Shoot Yourself In The Foot

A Modern Sexual-Assault Tale

• Man: Hello, I'd like to report a mugging.
• Officer: A mugging, eh? Where did it take place?
• Man: I was walking by 21st and Dundritch Street and a man pulled out a gun and said, "Give me all your money."
• Officer: And did you?
• Man: Yes, I co-operated.
• Officer: So you willingly gave the man your money without fighting back, calling for help or trying to escape?
• Man: Well, yes, but I was terrified. I thought he was going to kill me!
• Officer: Mmm. But you did co-operate with him. And I've been informed that you're quite a philanthropist, too.
• Man: I give to charity, yes.
• Officer: So you like to give money away. You make a habit of giving money away.
• Man: What does that have to do with this situation?
• Officer: You knowingly walked down Dundritch Street in your suit when everyone knows you like to give away money, and then you didn't fight back. It sounds like you gave money to someone, but now you're having after-donation regret. Tell me, do you really want to ruin his life because of your mistake?
• Man: This is ridiculous!
• Officer: This is a rape analogy. This is what women face every single day when they try to bring their rapists to justice.
• Man: Fuck the patriarchy.
• Officer: Word.